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[LST] Light bulb jokes
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Titel: [LST] Light bulb jokes
Verfasst am: So, 07 Okt 2007, 11:49
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      THE CANONICAL COLLECTION OF LIGHT BULB JOKES


Q:  How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
    to relate to the experience.

Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
    Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q:  How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1:  None of your damn business!
A2:  50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q:  How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q:  How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to write the light bulb removal program,One to write the
    light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb
    administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at

Q:  How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Both of them.

Q:  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to
    change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One
    to change the bulb.

Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Billions and billions.

Q:  How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good
    the old light bulb was.

Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with
    brightly colored machine tools.

Q:  How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q:  How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
    specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q:  How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q:  What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A:  You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one
    of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q:  How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
    Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
    pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
    definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank
    characters separated by blanks".

Q:  How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first
    one.

Q:  How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

Q:  How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q:  How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot
    the witness.

Q:  How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q:  How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. That's a hardware problem.

Q:  How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q:  How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
    bulb?
A:  That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
    of license fee.

Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it
    done.

Q:  How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:  None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2:  None of your damn business!

Q:  How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q:  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

Q:  How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q:  How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q:  How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
    civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q:  How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
    under him.

Q:  How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Three, but they're really one.

Q:  How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q:  How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  That's not funny!

Q:  How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q:  How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
    itself in.

Q:  How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q:  How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q:  How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q:  How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A:  Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...

Q:  How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. It turned itself in.

Q:  How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with
    the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  How many can you afford?

Q:  How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q:  How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is
    than with a man.

Q:  How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q:  How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q:  How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q:  How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light
    bulb?
A:  Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.

Q:  How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q:  How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q:  How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q:  How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
    surprising twist at the end.

Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
    symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
    netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
    nothingness.

Q:  How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Who says it's dark?

Q:  How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q:  How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q:  How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to
    change a light bulb?
A:  Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I
    use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his
    body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long
    enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into
    the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new
    super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven
    up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is
    revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and
    return to the United States.

Q:  How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q:  How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a
    light bulb?
A:  Many hands make light work.

Q:  How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
    him.

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