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[LST] Farting
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Titel: [LST] Farting
Verfasst am: Do, 17 Jan 2008, 21:36
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Dateidatum: 11.1.1993

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THE RELIEF FART
        The name should give you a pretty good idea about this particular
        fart.  There are some farts that are a nuisance and some farts
        that are funny and some that are very peculiar, but the most
        popular fart of all is probably the Relief Fart.  Sound or odor
        doesn't matter.  What matters is the tremendous sense of relief
        that you have finally farted.  This is usually a group one
        identification, but if the farter is the sort of person who is not
        afraid to show his feelings, this can be a positive group two
        identification as well.  Some people will even say, "Wow, what a
        relief."  Very common.


THE SAN FRANCISCO FART

Never heard.  Only detectable by smell and a sudden grin on the passer's face.
If very powerfull, may lift the passer from his chair or send him whooshing
across the room.


THE RELUCTANT FART
        This is a fart that has really been around for awhile.  It is
        probably one of the oldest farts known to man.  The Reluctant Fart
        is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own.  I gives the
        impression that it likes staying where it is.  It will come when
        it is ready, not before.  This can take a half a day in some
        instances.  My mother says that it was that way with me getting
        born.  I was in no big hurry.  Neither is the Reluctant Fart. 
        When it is finally farted, it is way past due.  According to my
        mother, I was way past due by about a month.  This may be one of the
        reasons my father sometimes refers to me as, "You little fart."
        Although he probably has better reasons than that.


THE RUSTY GATE FART
        The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart.  It is the
        most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make.  It sounds like the
        sound a blue jay makes when it is not crying kat kat.  The Rusty
        Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot better if it had
        been oiled.  This fart is unknown to me as a group one identification,
        but it sounds like a fart that hurts.


THE S.B.D. FART
        S.B.D. stands for "silent but deadly".  This is no doubt one of the
        most common farts that exists.  No problem in identification with
        this one.  Either group.


THE SANDPAPER FART
        This one scratches.  Otherwise it may not amount to much.  As a
        group one identification it is hard to miss.  You may wonder if
        there is more to it than just some gas.  Otherwise, what is it
        that scratches?  There is still much that is unknown about farts.
        You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
        automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart.  So if you need this one
        for your list, don't scratch.  Common.



 "Date Fart" or "The 1st Date Fart"

I was 17 at the time, and had a crush on this little fox.  I had a
hard time asking her out, and I finally got up enough courage to do so.
The drive-in movies were the big thing then, so I was able to get the
family car.  This was kind of a double date, because my friend was also
going to the drive-in with his girl friend in his parents car.  We were
able to park side-by-side in the drive-in.  I was nervous with girl and
our first date together.  Anyway, all that Mexican food that I ate at
the local taco stand was starting to work on my system.  It was getting
cold in the car.  To impress my friends in the next car, I moved closer
to the young lady so as to "keep us a little warmer".  Then it came,
those pains, you know the ones, those fart pains.  After a little while,
I just had to try to sneak one out.  You know how you try to adjust your
seating so as to spread your ass apart so you won't make any noise.
Well, that part was successful, but as I let the "little one" go...
it was not so little, it just kept on a coming.  I knew I was in deep
trouble when about half way through, it started burning and I felt this
dampness...yep, it was one of those wet ones.  I was praying to God
"please don't let this stink"...Well, God "hates me".  The windows
started to fog over and the smell was awful.  I couldn't blame anyone
else in the car, it was just the two of us.  I tried to ignore the
smell, but the tears in my eyes was very irritating.  As I looked at
my date, in the dim light, I could see that her lips were turning blue.
I thought I was going to have to do CPR on the poor thing.  I had to
think fast...I said, "let go to the snack-bar" and without hesitation,
she agreed.  As I hastily bent over to reach for the door handle to
get the door open (fresh air), the "grand-dad" of all farts "thundered"
out my ass.  I could of died right there.  My friends in the next car
claimed they heard the roar of that one.  As my poor date staggard from
the car, my friends were of no help at all.  They somehow picked up on
what had happened.  I was so embarrassed, I thought I was going to die.
All I wanted was to get out of there.  I told the girl that I didn't
feel so good and if she wanted to stay and finish the movie with our
friends, that would be okay, because I wanted to go.  She was very
understanding...she elected to stay with our friends.  I never wanted
to go back to school that Monday, but I did, only to find a new
nick-name that had been hung on me.  >>>----->  "THUNDER-BUNNS"
The girl did recover, and without any brain damage.  We never did
date again, but remained as distant friends.  For a while there,
she was wanting to become a nun, but later started dating again.
As for me, well, what can I say....
                                           THUNDER-BUNNS

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