Alcohol troubleshooting

[boris]

*Might be handy to keep in your wallet, with the silly season fast approaching!!!!*


*ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING*

1. *SYMPTOM*
2. *FAULT*
3. *ACTION*


1. *Feet cold and wet.*
2. *Glass being held at incorrect angle.*
3. *Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.*

1. *Feet warm and wet.*
2. *Improper bladder control.*
3. *Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.*

1. *Drink unusually pale and tasteless.*
2. *Glass empty.*
3. *Get someone to buy you another drink.*

1. *Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.*
2. *You have fallen over backward.*
3. *Have yourself lashed to bar.*

1. *Mouth contains cigarette butts.*
2. *You have fallen forward.*
3. *See above.*

1. *Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.*
2. *Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.*
3. *Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.*

1. *Floor blurred.*
2. *You are looking through bottom of empty glass.*
3. *Get someone to buy you another drink. *

1. *Floor moving.*
2. *You are being carried out.*
3. *Find out if you are being taken to another bar.*

1. *Room seems unusually dark.*
2. *Bar has closed.*
3. *Confirm home address with bartender. *

1. *Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.*
2. *Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.*
3. *Cover mouth.*

1. *Everyone looks up to you and smiles.*
2. *You are dancing on the table.*
3. *Fall on somebody cushy-looking.*

1. *Drink is crystal-clear.*
2. *It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.*
3. *Punch him. *

1. *Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.*
2. *You have been in a fight.*
3. *Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.*

1. *Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.*
2. *You've wandered into the wrong party.*
3. *See if they have free alcohol.*

1. *Your singing sounds distorted.*
2. *The drink is too weak.*
3. *Have more alcohol until your voice improves.*

1. *Don't remember the words to the song.*
2. *Drink is just right.*
3. *Play air guitar.*